Dan and I have been together since December 2005. I have never loved any man the way I loved Dan. He was brilliant, kind, protective and caring. While my heart is broken, I feel so blessed to have the time that I did have with him. I'm devastated that our plans to get married and start a family will never happen because of such tragedy. We even talked about starting a family on the day he died. We "argued" over baby names as we have done many times before. It was something about him I found so endearing. He will always be in my heart no matter where my own life takes me. He could always make me laugh - even in my lowest moods. If you know Dan at all, chances are you have at least one hilarious story involving him. I had one last funny adventure with him the day before he died when he took me to New Orleans and ordered me absinthe at one of the bars. The story is funniest the way Dan tells it and I could never do it the same justice. Let's just say that the fact he didn't leave my rear end in New Orleans that day is proof of true love and he didn't hesitate to agree with that. I am very lucky to have had him in my life. I will never forget you Dan Kivel. I love you, Blackbird.

Love, Abby

The first time I saw Dan Kivel was in the high school cafeteria. He had liberty spikes! I was impressed--more so by his intelligence. He talked about Kurt Vonnegut. Way over my head. I used to give him a ride home after school.

After high school, Dan was a regular at my first rented house. (Jodi and I were the first of our friends to have our own place.) He played poker in the kitchen, and I believe Mike Lemmen (a former roommate) actually gambled me away to Dan in a game of poker.

I've been in Dan's basement, and believe me, I was the least punk rock person there. I remember he had a really sweet Doberman, and a litter of kittens. My friend, Sioux Trujillo, took one of those (sickly) kittens home. Her name was Kee.

It was good to see his picture and hear his voice today.

Jeanne (Foyt) Ekhaml

http://nickfarr.livejournal.com/319022.html

There are some parts of me that simply refuse to believe that dankaye is gone.

First, Dan was genuinely happy. Since he started his work with Americorps, he's been happier than at any other time I've known him. Over e-mail these past few weeks, it wasn't hard to see that Dan was really enjoying himself. Dan was living a higher purpose, one he sought throughout his life and seemed to elude him until now. Dan had a good group of people he called friends, a spot on the planet that was right for him and a special woman in his life for whom he cared very deeply. His new fiction was coming alive, with an energy I hadn't seen in his writing before. It just seems unfair for him and for us that he's gone at such a peak in his life.

Second, Dan was always a survivor. He not only survived, but triumphed over his problems with drugs, depression, failed relationships, unemployment and many other things which nearly consumed him on more than one occasion. Through it all, Dan looked back on his personal demons with a survivor's wit and humor. Dan seemed like the kind of guy you could knock down, kick, spit and step on--only to snap back at just the moment you thought he was gone. Without missing a beat, he'd find a way in the next moment to make everyone to laugh it all off.

There's always going to be a part of me that thinks that Dan is still alive, still kicking somewhere. Most of me knows that's not true.

Those parts are going to miss his intensely creative, intensely unique drive. They're going to miss his crazy stories, his adventurous spirit, his willingness to always be pushing towards the "do" and away from the "maybe". They're going to miss the endings to his unfinished stories and other great things that never were on account of a life not finished.

The parts of me that won't let Dan go are always going to remember those things that were uniquely his. All of us that knew him have our own memories--some good, some bad, a few ugly and more than a few unexplainable ones. Memories of cons, late night UrbEx, crazy photo shoots and random visits will always keep Dan alive for me.

To those now grieving, I hope you'll reflect not on the tragedy of his passing, but on what keeps him alive in you.

Daniel Kivel a/k/a/ dankaye
July 5, 1971 - May 28, 2006
RIP

http://topknot.livejournal.com/732219.html

"Even though they're battered and crippled with pain, broken wings can heal, you WILL fly again."

That was the most important thing I learned from Dan. And if that's not enough to justify a friendship, however brief, I don't know what is. Though he never seemed to recognise that own potential in himself and told me many times he thought he was unworthy of the respect and admiration of his friends. The greatest tragedy is, just when he was at his happiest and truly able to fly again, away from the demons of his past, he's gone.

I've been hesitant to share my own thoughts here beyond the superficial "he was a great guy" sentiment which doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. At times I feel very much like an outsider in that I only knew him a little over half a year, and because of that, I sometimes feel I have no right sticking my nose in and speaking out. True, we spent hours talking on both AIM and the phone during that time. It's not quite the same as knowing a person the way you do when you see them face to face.

But Dan was the kind of person who could bring together an unbelievably diverse circle of friends, even though many of them had never met. Whether it was through reading about his variations on their personalities in 'Compromised,' hearing about their antics through his LiveJournal, or even word of mouth, there were very few people whose lives he couldn't find some way to touch. And nearly always it was for the better.

My own sentiment above speaks volumes for the kind of healing I've been able achieve within myself. I've spent the past few years more or less hating myself and life in general. Enter Dan with his dazzling charm, good looks, disarming wit, and innate ability to see the best in other people. My God, if more people could see themselves through his eyes, what a better place this world would be. I haven't met many people with his gift for sight and vision even if it was frequently hidden beneath a casual façade of cynicism. Dan saw only the brightest, best qualities of his friends and, whether intentionally or not, inspired them to be more like that vision that he saw. He was someone who could alternately arouse a person's passions to a boiling point, make them cry from helpless laughter, and uplift their spirits, all with seemingly effortless ease.

He's quite honestly the only person I've ever met in my life whose depraved fantasies came even close to mine and while that's not much upon which to base a friendship, it's a damned intriguing start. Even describing the most debauched acts upon a human body, there was an underlying enthusiasm that couldn't be denied not to mention incredible creativity, much of which shows in his writings. No matter what he was talking about, it was a wild and crazy story. But told with just enough seriousness that you weren't always sure if he was joking or if it was yet another fabrication of his amazingly creative mind.

After one of our hours-long conversations about the nature of dominance and submission, I confessed that I could very easily fall for him. Just the way his mind worked, how he thought, the depth and intensity, it was so very easy to care for him. His reply was something along the lines of "I'm nobody you want to care too much about." How terribly, terribly wrong he was. If nothing else has shown that, the immediate outpouring of love and support has.

Even though I often joke to the contrary, I've not become a "man hating, ball busting bull dyke." It's simply a matter of not having had any members of the male persuasion sufficiently pique my interest enough for me to let them get even remotely close to my inner workings. And yet with deceptive ease, Dan managed to work his way there in an alarmingly brief period of time. Through his eyes I saw a person I thought had been lost forever. He taught me freedom. He taught me to fly again.

He told me many a time that he didn't think he deserved any sort of happiness or that if it presented itself, he didn't feel worthy to reach out and take it. I guess he felt he must still atone for a past rife with mistakes, heartache, wrongdoing, and bad decisions. No amount of trying to reason with him seemed to be able to convince him otherwise, even though that could very well describe the histories of both myself and our entire circle of friends combined.

When I was helping him re-work his resume, he told me that he thrived on chaos and that it was only by immersing himself in that kind of environment that he was able to be busy enough to not let himself think too much. I'm happy beyond words that he was finally able to let go of the past enough to open himself up again. Half-hearted denials to the contrary, he truly did enjoy helping other people, often at the expense of his own needs and wants. He was flawed, just like the rest of us. He never seemed to be able to come to terms with that even though he'd never accept it as an excuse for a friend to be down on themselves.

We've lost a great person, a giving friend, an incomparable tease, a brilliant mind, a devastating wit, a myriad of skills, but most importantly, a good heart. I can't help but think, perhaps a little idealistically, that somewhere down the road we'll all meet up again and he'll be standing there, bright blue eyes glinting with good humour, laughing as if to say, "What took you so long, fucko?" And if there's anything I can do for him to help repay all the wonderful things he brought, however briefly, to my own life, it's commit my honest thoughts to writing and strive to be the person he saw in me.

"You're the most fallible, wrong-headed, self-deluding, just generally benighted jackass I've ever known. Yet, withal, even at your worst, you're the only human being in my entire life who ever gave me hope."

Such is Dan's legacy and somehow I think it would not displease him.

Wyndi Tindle

http://laine05.livejournal.com/125539.html

there are a lot of things i could say right now. i could tell you about hawaii, i could tell you about my new in-laws, i could tell you about hanging out with my brother or finally coming home to welcoming arms. but i can't because the only thing i can really wrap my mind around is that boudreaux is gone.

boudreaux, dankaye, daniel kivel, however you knew him, died as he was dragged out to sea by a riptide in mississippi on a day off from working with americorps. it's in the news, you can search for it if you like.

he didn't intersect in many of my circles of friends as i met him through josh and got to know him over the phone, the internet and livejournal - so i wanted to tell you about him.

dan was intelligent and funny, caring and sweet, sarcastic and quick, creative and prolific. i got to know him when i was having some terrible times of my own - he spent time talking me through the night, opening up and sharing parts of himself and generally making me feel like a human being again. he convinced me just by telling his stories and by nattering on all night long that there is always something good to look forward to and that love really can change the world.

i never got to meet dan in person. i will regret that to my very last day.

so, wherever you are dan - know that i love you and that i miss you.

miss elaine

I met Dan at Rubi-Con in 2001. He drove me around, took me to get Thai food, took me to a market to buy Jim's liver for the scavenger hunt, and gave me his "IP Boot Camp" dog tag from some sort of phone training he'd been to.

We stayed in contact through the Pen and via email. Eventually I went with Tenzin, who was about 5 months old at the time and Brian to visit Dan and Lori in New Orleans. We stayed with them for 10 days. All of the photos we submitted to dankaye.com are from the Aquarium of the Americas during that trip. He seemed to be avoiding the camera. I particularly like the picture of him on the Frog Prince.

Dan was one of my favorite people. I wish I'd been able to spend more time with him. I regret that Tenzin won't get to know him as "uncle Dan" which is what I planned to have Tenzin call him. Dan's loss is all the more tragic because he was doing so well.

Dan was always kind and thoughtful except he seemed to think that it was either a sign of weakness or stupidity to be nice to people on the phone. He was often mean on the phone. I never quite understood that about him because he was so nice, kind, and compassionate otherwise. Maybe it is wrong of me to speak ill of the dead. I shouldn't have posted my "I know your secret" livejournal comment about him anonymously. In fact, three of them were about him. I like to think that he knew which ones were directed at him.

Tiffany
aka VampyreCat
aka NDA

One of my favorite memories of Danny follows:

Most of my family loves to hang out at the local Pizza place when they get together. My mom (Dan's Grandma) did not like pizza and rarely went to these gatherings. She suffered from Alzheimer's Disease and died a couple of years ago. Prior to her death and before the disease had completely disabled her, she went to one of these gatherings.

I remember her telling me that at this Pizza gathering, Danny sat next to her and held her hand. She was SO touched by this gesture. She held a special place in her heart for Danny, and I hope and pray that she was there to meet him on the other side.

Love,
Linda

I started archiving old email exchanges between Dan and me. See, I'm the lazy sort who deletes mail from her inbox, but not from her "sent" or "trash" folders, so I have literally hundreds of emails from him that I can now save. We'd spend hours emailing back and forth if we didn't feel like being on AIM, so you do the math. I wanted to share a few. Yes he's screaming "Woman, you're ruining my rep!" down at me. But I don't think many got to see these sides of Dan, so here they are (all typos remain intact....wouldn't be an email from Dan without them *grin*).

Back story: Well, most of you know the stories behind Blackbird and the pooh bear. This was part of an endearing exchange that somehow managed to incorporate both of them. It's about the bear wanting pie:

someone (i suspect the cats) told him about "four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie".
now he's all "oh, you like songs about blackbirds... so why don't you get me one of thieseblackbird pies? gee, i think it was supposed to be for and twenty pies for the bear. oh yes, thats right. four and twenty blackbird pies".
it's very difficult to convince him he doen't get two dozen blackbird pies. i'm also trying to make him believe that the birds are alive and might peck him.

Back story: I was about to go to Augusta for my interview with the Medical College of Georgia and I was having one of my neurotic moments. Dan knew this is a very competitive school, so he sent some soothing words (side note: He was so proud of me when I got my acceptance letter. Then, he received his official phone call that he was hired on with AmeriCorps the very next day. It was a happy time.):

Sweet Babygirl
Don't be nervous. i had something inspiring to say then i realised you don't need it. you are already inspired. if anything, you inspire me. Affirmations are lost on women of your calibre. they will accept you because you are the best. you won't be alone on your journey. I'll be in georgia with you soon. you will have dinner to come home to at night [I have to secure my status as a kept man] and anything else you need. So, I can wish you luck, babygirl but you won't need i8t.

dan

Back story: This is the last email Dan sent me. I received 2 from him on May 28th that he sent as I was headed back to Atlanta and before he went to the beach that evening. One invovled Snakes on a Plane. This was the 2nd one (most of you will recognize the "shirt reference" from the story of our New Orleans trip together):

hey sweetie
did you know? If we have a baby, i hope she looks like you. I love you more than I can say. I miss you already, babygirl. Don't worry about my shirt.

Dan

p.s. noone else can ever compare.

Interesting side note: LJ wants to correct the spelling of "babygirl" (we treated it as one word) and one of the choices from the spellcheck is Abigail. Coincidence? No way!

(from http://glimmer-moon.livejournal.com/230859.html)

Abby

Aloha,

I was a freind of Dan's during from grade 7 on. I was extremely saddened to hear that Dan died.

After high school we didn't hang out much, but I always meant to look him up. Tonight I did a google search and found this site.

I have a few stories to share. Keep in mind that all of these took place as teenagers. Many of them are probably his worst moments and may not be suitable for the website. I'm telling them so that Abby can know a little bit better the man she loved. Someone who had more demons than most, but still managed to come out on top.

Here goes:

In junior high school one day, Dan was being picked on by an older, and much bigger guy. Dan was the smallest in our group and an easy target. The guy slammed Dan's head against a large window and the window broke. the bully took off after a second and our science teacher was there in under 5 seconds. He ran up to Dan and said "Are you okay?" Dan was laying on the ground with his eyes wide open, but was unable to answer. Later he commented that lying there in all of that glass he should have said sarcastically "Yeah, I'm fine!".

Dan broke his arm in junior high and later admitted that he'd been stoned and fell out of a tree.

Dan used to climb stuff. I remember him climbing up the alleyway of Noir Leather (back when they were on 3rd street). He also once climbed up a telephone pole.

Dan was once singled out by some huge, drunk, rednecks for intimidation. Again, he was the smallest among us. This took place in a drugstore while the lady at the front counter watched calmly. I ran to the back of the store and pointed at one of the cashiers and yelled "Call the police!". The rest of the group were gathering bottles to start throwing or hitting with. Dan stayed cool through the whole thing. He had a knife in his jacket, but luckily he never pulled it.

Dan once tried to burn a girl. He'd had a crush on her and she dated his freind, then dumped the guy. The general feeling among the people there that night was pretty negative towards her. He was chasing her through the house with a can of lighter fluid and a lighter. I thought they were joking until she ran out of the house. I don't think he really wanted to hurt her (he could have easily), but wanted her out of the house. Please note that this was not unusual among that crowd, a crowd that he broke ties with a few years later. Many of the people there that night later suffered from heavy drug use, and some have been dead for a long time now.

One day in 9th grade, Dan came to school with half of his head shaved. People avoided and talked about him so much, you'd have thought he'd come to school covered in feces! The next day he shaved the other side, making a mohawk. Pretty daring considering the time and place. back then you'd get picked on if you had an earring.

Dan didn't graduate with us, even though he's in a lot of the senior photos. He graduated the next year, and was in homeroom with my little sister. I don't know how he felt about it, but i think going back took a lot of guts.

I've missed Dan for years and always thought about looking him up. I'm taking this as a lesson and looking up some old freinds.

Goodbye Dan. May you rest in peace. Amen.

-Mike Lemmen

I havent seen dan in many years, but im sad to hear hes gone. im looking at the copy of 'foucaults pendulum' that he gave me just this minute. we traded, me for that and i gave him 'the boomer bible'. oh dan, you were a terrific guy. whenever i drive down lincoln i look at his old house and remember him. i will do so doubly now.

-Erin Wilson

On May 28th, 2006, I was at a friend's new home on Lincoln, picking him up to go to a concert. I'd pointed out the house across the street from my friend's new place - it was the house that Dan had grown up in.

I said to my friend, "See that house right there? My old friend Dan used to live there. I practically lived there when we were younger, hell, some days I probably did live there. We used to spend hours and hours hanging out in his basement room, watching tv and goofing around. That was when we weren't spending nights at The Lantern, drinking coffee and talking until dawn. Sometimes we would drive to Port Huron, sit by the water and watch the ships go by for something to do. He was the guy who I got my oldest cat from as a runty little kitten 17 or 18 years ago. I haven't talked to him in a while. I wonder what he's up to these days? I wonder if his Mom still lives there. I should look him up."

I didn't get around to looking him up until a few weeks ago, when I Googled his name, and found this site. How I hoped that it was a memorial site for some other guy named Dan Kivel.. hope dwindling when I saw the birth date matched the Dan I knew... hope gone when I looked at the pictures.

From the things I've read on this site, I am glad to learn that it seems Dan conquered his demons, and was in a good place in his life. I am heartbroken that I learned these things from a memorial, rather than from Dan himself. I might not have seen him in a dozen or so years, probably haven't talked to him in 5 or 6 years.... yet I am very sad knowing that running into him again is no longer a possibility.

Amanda Zins
10.13.06